I don't normally post private conversations publicly, but I guess I felt as though publicizing my weaknesses (as though I haven't already done that!) would promote transparency. So, here is a little prayer I prayed tonight. If anyone would like to agree with me, or add to it, or possibly make corrections, feel free:
"God I'm scared. This life has me shaking in my boots--my tired, tattered boots that don't keep out the snow or rain, and make my feet sweat if it gets the least bit hot. I'm scared that I'll screw everything up: Your plans, my plans, the plans of people trying their best to carry out Your plans. I'm scared of spending the rest of my life chasing my tail in an attempt to chase after You. I'm scared of being scared forever, and of wasting opportunities that You provide for me. I'm afraid I won't have what it takes, that I don't have what it takes.
"Even as I pray, Lord, I realize how selfish and egocentric I'm being. All I talk about is what I can do, what I can mess up, how I will fail. If, as You have reassured me, You really do have everything planned out, including my life, then it doesn't matter what I'm afraid of. Actually, I take that back--it isn't what I'm afraid of, it's that I'm afraid at all. That I'm so focused on myself, my abilities or lack thereof, just goes to show that I have failed to absorb anything You've attempted to teach me. It isn't about me, it's about You and my reaction to You, and my acceptance of You.
"But I'm still scared. What if I don't have what it takes to get through, not only the next few weeks, but life altogether! I am so restless for home, but I am like one who has no home to go to. What a terrifying position to be in, God. My hope is in You alone, my home is with You and You have made Your home in me. You go before me and with me. Please, Lord keep reminding me that I am not alone, that I am not in control, and that I am not home; that You accompany me everywhere, that You are in control, that You are my home. Please help me to accept Your love for me, Your plan for me and for the rest of humanity, and Your perfect evaluation of me. Please help me to faithfully and consistently seek after You, fellowship with You, listen to You, obey You, and trust You. Nothing else matters. I know that full well. Experience has taught me that, if nothing else. Teach me to understand and believe, to carry out and to receive. Teach me to serve and to surrender. Please help me not to be afraid!"
"God I'm scared. This life has me shaking in my boots--my tired, tattered boots that don't keep out the snow or rain, and make my feet sweat if it gets the least bit hot. I'm scared that I'll screw everything up: Your plans, my plans, the plans of people trying their best to carry out Your plans. I'm scared of spending the rest of my life chasing my tail in an attempt to chase after You. I'm scared of being scared forever, and of wasting opportunities that You provide for me. I'm afraid I won't have what it takes, that I don't have what it takes.
"Even as I pray, Lord, I realize how selfish and egocentric I'm being. All I talk about is what I can do, what I can mess up, how I will fail. If, as You have reassured me, You really do have everything planned out, including my life, then it doesn't matter what I'm afraid of. Actually, I take that back--it isn't what I'm afraid of, it's that I'm afraid at all. That I'm so focused on myself, my abilities or lack thereof, just goes to show that I have failed to absorb anything You've attempted to teach me. It isn't about me, it's about You and my reaction to You, and my acceptance of You.
"But I'm still scared. What if I don't have what it takes to get through, not only the next few weeks, but life altogether! I am so restless for home, but I am like one who has no home to go to. What a terrifying position to be in, God. My hope is in You alone, my home is with You and You have made Your home in me. You go before me and with me. Please, Lord keep reminding me that I am not alone, that I am not in control, and that I am not home; that You accompany me everywhere, that You are in control, that You are my home. Please help me to accept Your love for me, Your plan for me and for the rest of humanity, and Your perfect evaluation of me. Please help me to faithfully and consistently seek after You, fellowship with You, listen to You, obey You, and trust You. Nothing else matters. I know that full well. Experience has taught me that, if nothing else. Teach me to understand and believe, to carry out and to receive. Teach me to serve and to surrender. Please help me not to be afraid!"
