...When I called, you answered me;
You made me bold and stouthearted.
This week, in fact, for a very long while, I have struggled desperately to unearth my purpose. And when I told myself that it was really 'God's purpose' that I was seeking, I really did mean my purpose. Using my strengths, my talents, my preferences for fulfillment, I endeavor end without success to find my place in this world. As I prepared to come here to Southeast Asia, I fretted and toiled over what it was I would be doing, what I could do with my meager experience and 'gifts'. On the plane(s) here, I literally plummeted into a pit of utter despondency and hopelessness. Nothing I did seemed to answer any of my questions about how or what or why. I read my Bible, prayed, made lists, sat and twiddled my thumbs, but to no avail. At least, that was what I thought.
As it turns out, I was asking the wrong question(s). Now, I wish to preface the following with what should be a well known fact: I am still learning and growing at such a pace that it seems very likely I will be doing both of these things for at least an eternity, maybe longer. That being said, I continue: my question contained the personal possessive, which is always temporary, conditional, and tentative at best. Asking what my purpose is is a question that can never be answered, because, 1) I am temporal, 2) I am limited in understanding, wisdom, power, and vision and 3) I am inconstant. Therefore anything that I am is not reliable, it is not eternal, it is not all-encompassing, and--most importantly--it is not possible. I did not create myself, let alone the universe or existence as a whole. Ergo, in order to determine 'my' purpose, I must turn my sights to the Author of life, of purpose, of all, and likewise must change my question: what is God's purpose? If I am in His will, then it should go without saying that I am a part of it. All of this came to me whilst in tears, after reading my Bible for hours, and after I haphazardly turned to Psalm 138. I am not a throw-my-Bible-open-close-my-eyes-and-slam-my-hand-down-on-the-first-verse-that-appears advocate, but I do believe that reading this verse at that particular time was somewhat miraculous and singularly affecting at the time.
I do not even have to ask 'What is God's purpose' any longer. God has already told me that He has a purpose, and even if He hadn't, who am I to demand such a thing from the Author of the universe? He has lovingly showed me His love, He has invited me into His family, He has shared with me who He is and what He desires. He has even told me that He has a purpose for all creation, which, in point of fact, happens to include me. As my Lord and Savior, Creator and Redeemer, He ha demonstrated Himself to be all the things that I am not: 1) Infinite, 2) Limitless in understanding, wisdom, power, and vision, and, 3) Immutable. Not only that, but He is perfect and His plan is perfect.
My purpose is to glorify Him by trusting Him, loving Him and my fellow humans, and by surrender get my pride and my fears to Him. It is not about me, although I must actively seek and obey, love and serve. I needn't ever ask the question, 'what is my purpose', because I am created and beloved of God, and God does not do anything without having a purpose.
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me;
Your love, O Lord, endures forever--
Do not abandon the works of your hands.
(Psalm 138)
Do I know what specifically I am supposed to be doing here? Well, I can do my best and I can trust God. I can serve others to the best of my ability, such that it is, and continue to seek God. I do not know what He wants physically, but ultimately He has made His plan clear:
God has now revealed to us his mysterious will regarding Christ, which is to fulfill his own good plan. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ-everything in heaven and on earth.
(Ephesians 1:9-10)
